Well I cant quite believe I am writing this, Its a year to the day that I arrived home from one of the most amazing experiences that I have ever had. Has it been the year I expected - No! and that has been a real disappointment. I came home feeling amazing, the best i had for a long time, feeling really positive and pretty invincible, yet somewhere along the line lost that feeling and that person.
Looking back over the past few days has been emotional and today feels the same. Where has this year gone? It seems to have flown by but also seems to have taken for ever. Don't get me wrong there have been some amazing parts to this year and my friends and family have, as always, been great. I really missed them when I was away and love being back, being able to spend time with them. Although I would appreciate if the nieces and nephews would stop growing up quite so much.
So why do I say that the year has been a disappointment and that I don't feel the same person that cycled in a year ago. Well that's not easy to answer, I realise that I have not processed a lot of the ride, that I have not given myself the time I needed to really think about and appreciate all that I had experienced, the highs, the lows, the hard bits and the enjoyable bits. Instead I have got caught up in everyday life. Returning to work took up all my time and to be honest was harder than I ever imagined, I wont go into details about it on here but suffice to say that it really dragged me down. So where did all this lead? well it started with feeling a bit down, I gradually stopped cycling longer distances and just got on the bike for my commute, I put on weight, stopped doing things I enjoyed and didn't see many people. Again I don't want it all to seem negative, I had some great times in the year and this was a gradual process, but there were days when I didn't want to get up, where I could hide away in the flat and generally not engage in the world around. It was hard to see where it had gone wrong, to go from a person who was up cycling everyday to a person who lost the battle to drag themselves out of bed some days.
I am not writing this for pity or for shock value. My blog always has been about recording something for myself. It is where I can put down thoughts and process them and if other people benefit from reading them, then that's a bonus, but not the aim. I have been grateful for my family and friends support throughout this time. They have showed unending love and patience. I remember so many days sitting saying to myself is this really the person you want to be, yet still not managing to win the fight to do much about it. It is so frustrating to know the best thing to do, to want to get on and push myself out the door but just not feeling able to do it.
Whats more as a counsellor, I knew what was going on but was ashamed that I couldn't help myself, that I couldn't talk about it to others for fear of what they would say and how they would react to me. I tried to just solider on, grateful for the respite I found in talking to those who knew, and especially for the relationship I had with my personal trainer and friends, who just let me be me and encouraged me all the way.
In the end I knew that I had to do something about it, that I couldn't continue and about 5 months ago allowed myself to go to the Doctors and get diagnosed properly for what I already knew. I had depression. This is one of the most common illnesses for adults and young people, yet it still comes with stigma attached to it and that stigma is one that I allowed to get in the way of talking about and getting help for myself. The worst thing about this is that it is the field I work in and yet know that by writing this it will impact on peoples impression of me, including employers. My depression is completely reactive to a particular situation and I know that I will come through the other end, yet for many it is life long and something they will always struggle with.
I have spent the past few months starting to rebuild me, getting professional help and support and look at what is best for me in the long run. I started out on my journey last year, partly to have a break, to raise money for an amazing organisation, to really put my accident behind me and to think about what I wanted from life moving forward.
Therefore I have spent today having time to reflect on the past year and how much of that I achieved. I raised money for an amazing organisation and the bit I like the most is that so many donations, came in from unusual/ unexpected people and places. I am no longer fearful of riding round country lanes due to my accident. Do I still get nervous around mopeds and motorbikes? yes - but then I don't think having an additional level of awareness is a bad thing. What I achieved most though was the break, having time to think and reflect on life and what I wanted to do. Have I acted on these thoughts - no, I haven't had chance or should that say made time to. I have felt stuck and that is not a good place to be, I know where I want to get to and am pleased to say that I have started putting things in place to make sure that I move on.
I am so proud to have achieved my ride, I will always hold onto and treasure that time and the memories. Have I processed them enough, the answer to that is no. I know that by doing this challenge on my own, I have found it hard to process, I could talk about it for ages but I am always conscious of not wanting to bore people. I think the fact that it was so massive makes it hard to share with people, no one was out there with me for the entirety of it and therefore no one can fully understand or appreciate how hard and yet how amazing it really was. I need to make it more accessible for myself and for others.
How will I do this? I am still not 100 percent sure, but I do know that I need to allow myself time to process, to go through my photos, complete my photo book, finish my blog, so I really have a record of my incredible 4 months. Time is something that can be difficult to come by so I am creating it for myself, in a few weeks time I will go part time at work. Initially this will give me time to focus on myself but then to build up and concentrate on moving forward in my life, job wise and personally.
Is this the end of my journey? absolutely not. I know how much my own mental health has been affected and I am still on a journey of healing. I will get there but I know that for me that means getting healthy, losing weight and most importantly getting out there and riding my bike. I don't know if anyone is reading this but if you are and want to know what happened and what comes next, this is where it will be documented.
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